Thursday, September 22, 2011

Can You Hook a Teen Blogfest

Call me super-procrastinator.  Cutting it close on this one...seriously.

Here we go.
Click here for blogfest info
Thanks for coordinating and judging:  Brenda Drake and Teen Eyes.

Now, to my submission.
Word count: 236
Title: EVERVEIL Book 1 of Uncommon Chronicles
Genre: YA Paranormal


Chapter One

Luca

Summers are supposed to end with a bang.  Mine ended with Vivvie dying in my arms, leaving this emptiness inside of me.  I was too chicken to tell her how I really felt.  That made it worse.  But at sixteen, death was the furthest thing from our thoughts. 

I didn’t know how to play well with others-- still don’t, honestly-- but Vivvie seemed happy with me, just as I was.  Now I’m doing extra work at school because my guidance counselor thinks it’ll help me deal with the grief.  Kids who never looked my way shot me second glances, not the kind that made me feel appreciated.  Others whispered to one another when I passed by.  None of them said a word, not even a, “Sorry for your loss.”  I knew what they’re thinking.  I think it as well.

I was in the accident, too.  I should have saved her.

Better yet, it should have been me.

Mom’s been extra clingy lately, the only person who’s glad I survived.  I’m still not sure how and can’t help questioning why.  With longer mixed martial arts sessions, I shouldn’t have any time for this grieving business.  But it’s there.  Nothing I do fills the void.  The absence is unbearable.  Her smile, her laughter, her head on my shoulder whenever she wanted to talk.  I never realized I’d miss the smell of apricot shampoo so badly. 

10 comments:

  1. Hi Angela.

    I think you did a really good job at conveying your protag's emotions. My only problem was that I didn't have a name for your protag and I didn't know if (s)he was a guy or a girl. Other than that, you really have the depression, the sadness, down to a very raw level which is good.

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  2. Thank you for another pair of eyes. I appreciate this very much. I wonder if I should try another approach regarding this. I currently name each chapter by the name of the character whose viewpoint it is in. Chapter 1 is Luca. This gives me something to consider.

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  3. I think I just assumed the character was Luca because the chapter was called Luca. O.o

    But I really liked this, especially the last line about the apricot shampoo. I can really feel how upset and miserable he is. And now I want to know what the 'accident' was!

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  4. I agree. I could really feel how sad Luca was. I really loved the first and last lines. Good luck in the contest.

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  5. Thanks Chessie and Tracey for coming by. Tracey, reading your opening made me aware of the contest and Chessie, reading yours really helped me to hop on board. So many great openings. Best of luck to both of you and ALL participants.

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  6. Angela, you did pull me into your story here, wondering what caused the accident for poor Luca to think it should have been him. There were a couple of tense slips that you should fix in this. Other than that, great job and good luck with the contest! <3

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  7. Thank you Brenda. About that accident. Poor book characters, we're always doing something to them. Thanks for catching the tense slips. These are the things another pair of eyes can see.

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  8. I really like this opening. Is there a reason the first bit is in italics? I expected to have one of those 'three months earlier' things to happen (I'm very glad it didn't). The last line is wonderful. Cheers!

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  9. Thanks for stopping by, L.M. To answer your question, yes. I thought of doing a prologue but I wanted to try and find a different way to "break the ice" with my first work. So after a little back and forth in my mind, I decided to give an introduction of Luca through display of his internal thoughts. It's sort of like a brief narration, only it's the character themselves instead of a third person distant voice.

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  10. I liked it and felt the protagonist's sorrow. But i couldn't figure out if it was a girl or a boy till the last. I am assuming it was a boy.

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